Far away from here.

I’ve been home for about two months now…time has never gone by so slow. My year in Germany passed by like a blink of an eye. All I want, is to have that time back. To go, and laugh and cry with my friends again. I miss everything. Not a minute goes by, where I don’t think about Germany, or about being an exchange student. I know it’s not good to dwell on the past, but I can’t help it. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal right? But somehow I’ve lost something near and dear to me..I feel as though someone died. I’m not happy here, stuck in the middle of nowhere, with people who don’t care. My year has made such a huge impact on my life, and I’m not sure about what I can do about it now. No one ever asks me how I am, or if I miss Germany. Some kids joke around. Some kids ask about the parties. But they don’t get it. It was my life. A life I had to give up, to come back to a whole lot of nothing. I think about the sounds, the smells. I think of my dear exchange students. I think of my German class. I think of the beautiful cobble-stone streets, the old churches. I think of my host families. I think of Kait, Raul, and Hanna-all the wonderful people I had the honor of knowing. I think of our crazy memories. I think of our movie nights. I think of the old me. The crazy, happy go lucky girl I was in that environment. Ich will einfach nur wieder nach Deutschland. Ich will nicht hier zu bleiben. Ich vermisse alles. 

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London England

What is it to be in love? To love someone, and they love you back. Is it magical, is it pure? Is it as it should be, patient, kind, and pure? I don’t know. Unfortunately, I think I almost did know, I just didn’t realize it at the time. I wasn’t done with the freedom I had left. I know that when I go home, I have to act differently, and no longer like an exchange student, where everything and anything is acceptable. I regret not taking the challenge of falling in love. And when I realized it, it was way too late. Of course I will fall in and out of love plenty of time in my life, but this was different. It was the first one, and it never really ended. The only thing that changed was the miles in between. Distance is a killer. But the feelings are still there. I can’t explain it. I don’t regret my choices on this subject. I did what I wanted, and although I overdid it a bit, I had fun. I only wish I had opened myself up a little bit more to a relationship of the mind, and not one of something else. But to be in love in something indescribable. And I’m sad that all things must eventually come to an end. The love I had on exchange, was complicated, and took effort. It was the complete opposite from everything I had ever heard. You would maybe say that then, it wasn’t actually love..But then again, I think that is exactly what it is. Love doesn’t just happen. You don’t just meet someone on the street and know you will be with them the rest of your life. It is more gradual. It takes time. It’s something you have to work on. And when you have it, embrace it, and enjoy every moment. 

So yesterday, I went with my dog for a long walk along the river that runs near my house. At one point I just sat on the grass, reflecting on the events of the past year, and of life in general. You know, one of those deep and meaningful moments. Any who, it made me realize-what have I done with my life so far? I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much. In the terms of those bragging soccer moms, I’ve done pretty darn well, but that means nothing. None of this will matter. I haven’t done anything very productive with my life. Yes, I am on exchange, and I don’t regret the things I’ve done, but what I regret is, wasting so much time. I feel like it could have been spent elsewhere. Mind you, I sat there over an hour, so this was pretty deep thinking. I thought-what have I done with my life? I am young, but you never know! What if there was an accident tomorrow, and all of a sudden I die. How will people remember me? Some will think that I was a good, sweet girl, others will remember the immer betrunken girl. Do I really want that? No. I want people to remember me for doing things with my life. Accomplishing something real. Making an actual difference. Being a good person isn’t enough. You have to put the goodness to action, and make something of yourself, for the sake of the world/ environment. Okay, so I am only fifteen. You may say I have plenty of time to figure this out. But I don’t. Life is too short, and there isn’t nearly enough time in the world to do everything I want to do. At least, while I still can. And yes, I want to be a change in the world. I just have one problem. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the faintest clue. And that scares me. I always had everything planned out perfectly. Graduate high school with good grades, receive a scholarship, attend Columbia University, become a journalist, get married, have kids. But now things aren’t going to happen that way. I no longer know what profession I want. I don’t want to live in New York. I love kids, but I’m not sure I want one of my own. And marriage, well it’s total bullshit. In order for me to marry, the man had better be a good one. I’m not going through the same shit my parents, and their parents went through. Sitting there, everything going through my mind, was just rather depressing. I don’t know what the future holds for me, and I am scared for it. Very scared. I do this too often. I think and think, and it’s not good for me. I think too much, to the point I want to scream and cry. But I don’t tell people this. No one would ever believe this, coming from me. I’ve always been the one with a good head on my shoulders, knowing exactly what she wanted. Now I don’t know. I am scared of dying. Not of death, but of the aftermath. That I will have lived a useless life, one where no one benefited from it. Not accomplishing. Never striving for a better world. I want to be remembered for doing something with my life-not sitting on my ass and watching it pass by.